I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
