Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
