I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
