Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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