96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
