she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize