i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
there's paper in my vomit.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
