I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
