We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
