Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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