The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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