I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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