I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
