fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
