I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
