life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
