neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
