I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
