Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
