Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just high enough for therapy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
