i think i scared a bird with my dick
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
