is your mom at the bar?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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