Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
