i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
