why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
