God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
