you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
