but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
