I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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