she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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