My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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