once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
