I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
