Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
