Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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