The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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