She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
