i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
