Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
my liver is dry heaving
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
