omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
