yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
