I'm going to jail i love you
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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