Just fell off a train. Bad.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
