I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
