I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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