Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
