.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
