I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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