I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
