So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So much Jack, so little girl.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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