thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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