Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
